The Future

I wonder what will come out of all of this chaos? Chaos meaning COVID. COVID meaning being eternally stuck at home with nowhere to go. It’s weird to think about what this will be like in a few months.

Will this all be over? Will life ever go back to normal? It feels like an eternity since I was at school. Will I have a summer? Will I get to celebrate my birthday in June?

I remember how it all came so quickly. One day we were having a normal school day and the next day we are told no more school. It's all so weird that just a few weeks prior there was no plan at all, we all were just living normally. Now we are imprisoned inside all day and nothing sounds fun. 

Every morning I rub my eyes till they are cracked open. I have been going to bed late. Not as late as others, but pretty late. I force myself out of bed, drag myself up for a short workout, then I eat till my stomach feels densely full. Then slouch over on my chair to glare into my computer screen for hours for an online school. Zoom classes come first. I sit through the awkwardness of can’t telling if anyone is staring at me for an hour and a half. My time is often eaten up by work or stress about work. We really don’t have that much work. I feel as though my emotions are muted and I can only vividly make out what they are trying to tell me which makes me more overwhelmed and confused making it hard to work. To put it visually, my brain is my body’s computer. For every tab I have open is another stress. I can only trash it when I am done, but trashing it only dismisses it temporarily. It usually comes back in the form of a pop-up. When the time comes (freedom) I am stuck. What to do now?

 ________________ I don’t know.______ Now I’m bored. ________Again.____________ Like everyday.

I ponder about one day far in the future where I tell my kids (if I have kids) about all of this. If this was the future the beaches become a graveyard of trash and abandoned treasures. The stores go bankrupt and lose their money. The homeless become sick and their numbers grow. Depression and chronic loneliness grow. Crime goes down a bit but not the crime of innocent people and families dying. It’s weird. The feeling of uncertainty. I never felt a feeling this strong. I need to know what will happen, but I can’t. The door to my home locks me into a safe place and I feel that outside of there has become a world of instability, exposure, and peril. Behind our masks, we become by-products of the demons of fear. We are wasted away by the news that makes us weak and feels more and more powerless until we are nothing but lost hope. We need more news to lift us up, but the problem is: is there any? 

This meaning wiping down food from the stores, constantly doing chores to keep things clean, wearing masks, virtual friends, and COVID-19 altogether. The world is different now. We planned on going to Big Bear a few weeks ago, but now the only mountain I can see is a mountain of homework piling up behind my back. Dust collects on everything even the skills and math I used to know but now seem to struggle with. My senses have been put on hold until anything fun picks up the phone. My friends get cut off by poor connections with wifi and our real connections which now feel like they’re fading away. I see there faces but I don’t SEE there faces. I miss them. I’ve changed. We’ve changed. 

But that’s okay.

Life is constantly changing and it's our job to change with it even if it’s hard. This is a milestone, not a wall we can move around.  The world has changed and even though there is nothing we can do about it, I know you and I both wish this all would just end everything would go back to the way it was before. Everyone feels this way. 

My life before this seems like a fabricated reality. My memories have become wishes and my photos have become dreams. On weekends it’s so hard not to want to hang out with my friends in person. I don’t even know the last time I hugged them was. Even on that last day of school none of us were expecting this to come. To be completely honest we were all a bit excited to not have school, we all thought we were just getting another week of break and then we'd all come back. I wish I could hold on to that last moment with them forever, but it feels like butter that is slipping from my hands. Now, we are all bored out of our minds wishing for something to do with our lives.

Wishing, dreaming, and waiting

for something 

normal,

Unless this is the

new normal…

Serendipity

A collection of my covid diary entries.

Coronacation

You know, no one thought corona or even the break we got because of it would last long. We made jokes about it, and we still do, but we’re also still stuck at home. Everyone had fun plans to do over spring break, but everything was so unexpected. Even though people miss school and are bored during this pandemic, I’ve been enjoying it as much as I can. 

I hate corona, but so many positive things have happened to me since the outbreak. I let go of an unhealthy and toxic relationship, which was upsetting but I’m “losing feelings and emotions” towards it slowly. I feel almost numb towards it, but that may be a good thing. 

I grew some confidence which was surprisingly really easy, but I think it’s because I took bullying as a little push from people to start doing things for myself and try to live life how I wanted to. 

I also started liking going out a lot, especially just walking around outdoors or at the beach. I don’t quite know what “manifesting” or “manifest” means spiritually, and I wish someone would tell me what it means, but I believe I’ve been manifesting a lot during this break without realizing it, and I believe it’s working well but slowly. However, I don’t want to get my hopes up too high just in case I’m wrong. 

I’ve been seeing my siblings way more than I used to before corona, but I’m not complaining because it’s fun. I’ve also gotten close to my parents. They’re all I have at home and most of the time, so I took advantage of the virus to start building a better relationship with them and I’m glad I did.

Yes, I miss seeing people’s faces in person, and I miss making plans with friends that never end up happening, and I miss the mall, swimming, and everything, but it’s so important to make the best out of a bad situation or else you’ll just become sad… and I had to learn the hard way.

Skool Sux

Online school started. It sucks. The homework is suddenly so much harder than it used to be or should be. Classes feel like they’re taking forever even though they’re extremely short. I lost interest in doing homework and in my grades. I don’t know why, but I know I’m not the only one. 

There will always be a small number of assignments that I will do only because they’re either not hard or are genuinely really fun to do. However, at some point I had to step it up and start doing my work because my grades do matter, that’s why I’m on my bedroom floor typing this and will be doing exactly that for the next three days. 

Mother’s Day

I was taking a quick and normal shower. I was almost done until I got that dizziness feeling you get when you get up too fast, except it lasted way longer than it should’ve. I was seeing random shapes and colors and I kind of stopped hearing. I got really scared so I yelled “mama” so my mom can come into the bathroom. She came in thinking I just needed something like a towel, but I told her I couldn’t see and immediately passed out on her. 

I woke up again after a few minutes to her panicking and I was halfway out of the shower. I remember asking her what happened but fainting again. I woke up the second time to my mom dragging me onto my bed all wet. I was about to throw up on my bed but fortunately, I didn’t. I then told her I was fine afterward. I heard my dad rushing into the house and my downstairs neighbor asking what’s wrong. Turns out my dad left a cart full of wood in Home Depot and ran back home which caught my neighbor’s attention. 

I felt like it was my time to die. I accepted that at that very second, I would never live or take another breath again. Even though it was terrifying, if death was like how I experienced passing out, I wouldn’t be as scared of death as much. “Death” would be really easy and smooth, but it’s not because I just passed out, nothing else.

Yes, it was the scariest thing to ever happen to me, but I know it was harder for my mom. She was so scared. She told me my face turned yellow and my eyes were wide open. She had to carry me and hold me the whole time all on her own. She was crying and panicking the whole time.

Although I laughed about it at the end, I felt really bad because it was mother’s day and I had to scare my mom and spend the whole day at the ER just because I didn’t drink enough water and eat enough healthy food. However, it taught me a lesson; TO START DRINKING MORE WATER AND EATING MORE HEALTHY!! I don’t want another IV or needle in my arm anytime soon. It was painful.

Juvie

On March 16th, my friend, Ethan told me to stay up because he was going to a party and was going to keep me updated. He wanted to show me what it was like to “live.” I stayed up that night waiting for him to text me, but he never did. I didn’t text him anytime after that, but I missed him so much. I missed him to the point where I felt the need to text him and ask what happened and where he was, so I did, on April 27th. 

I told him I missed him and asked if he was in juvie because I had a pretty good guess that he was. The next day, he texted me and told me that he was in juvie for three weeks. He got arrested on the same day as the party, which is what I figured. He told me he liked juvie which I found very odd.

Our small conversation and “check-up” ended. He said he had to go and I said bye. After that, he disappeared again. I don’t know where he is now and he hasn’t been active on social media. I hope he’s not in juvie again or even dead. 

Post Covid-19 

I cannot wait until the virus blows over. I have so many plans. I want to go to the mall to buy clothes, maybe even shoes, eat panda express, and have a Nutella with strawberry crepe. I also want to go to a seafood restaurant to eat shrimp, crab, lobster, and sushi. I’m most excited to go to Belmont Park with all of my friends. After that, we’ll go over to the beach and have In N Out afterward. SeaWorld with my family and Aquatica with my friends sounds fun, but I honestly don’t know if Aquatica shut down or not. Lastly, my mom is planning on buying me a pair of good roller skates which I’ll be able to use all summer long. 

I hope I can make these “dreams” come true. It’s usually my parents getting in the way of making these dreams become reality, but I have a feeling they could happen.

Wake Up Call To The World

I never fully understood why my parents were so strongly forbidding me from going to the store. Until recently, I went to the Costco near my house and I discovered what my parents were trying to save me from. Seeing everyone wearing masks, empty shelves, it all sounds like an apocalypse movie gone very real. Me constantly being alert, eyes wide open to see how far apart people are from my mother and me. 

I pray that no one gives me a reason to unleash all the fear and anger I have resonating inside me. I am filled to the brim with anxiety. My breath starts to become heavier and heavier and I start to feel like I have to throw up. I tell my mother that I feel like I can't breathe. She realizes that this is becoming too much for her daughter but she calmly tells me to try and slow down my breathing, she tries to help me calm down.

Suddenly when I came home that day I realized that being inside sheltered from seeing the true elements of this catastrophic mess is better than experiencing it for yourself. It is peaceful on the roads and sidewalks but complete and utter havoc and terror in grocery stores. You seem to keep repeating in your head six feet apart over and over again. Finding yourself holding your breath each time someone gets an inch too close. People argue back and forth over who is getting toilet paper and who is to close for comfort; cussing left and right at each other.

But on the sidewalks, it's a whole different story. Sidewalks are peoples zen, a place of peace. An escape to breathe and say you are blessed. You are blessed because you woke up this morning, many did not have that experience this morning or last night. You see people trying to better themselves to try and reflect whether that be physically or mentally. Us teens are feeling trapped but never fully understand how the world is, the world is a cruel place. We all think this isn't true until we actually experience it for ourselves. Sometimes we need a wake-up call telling us, “hey this world isn’t all sunshine and daisies.” 

This was my wake up call that no one is going to look after you the way you and your family do. I would rather constantly feel trapped and constantly hear the words COVID-19. Along with hearing an idiot speak words so big he probably has a hard time understanding them himself. I would rather experience that then what I experienced that day out. 

I'd like to think that this is the world trying to detox itself from all the harm we have caused it. All of the wildfires, pollution, animal endangerment, etc. This is the world putting everything on pause so we can take a minute and reflect on all that we have done. This is the time to be at peace with yourself and breathe, not to be worried about anything else, and not think of anything else. For these past few days of quarantine, I have been going outside, sitting in my backyard and listening to music; closing my eyes, and just living and loving life for what it is. Returning to old joyous memories I have from my younger years. 

We all have to remember that God does things for a reason, maybe he did this for a reason. Maybe this was him stopping the world from spinning round and round and hitting pause so we can all put our phones down and remember what life was like as our younger selves. To give us a chance to play board games, do puzzles, and remember what it was like being a kid with no stress, no worries, just loving life.

Breaking Bad Review

Breaking Bad is an “American Neo-Western Crime Drama” television series created and produced by Vince Gilligan. The show ran from 2008-2013 for five seasons and 62 episodes, and it was filmed, as well as set, in Albuquerque, New Mexico. The series is about the story of Walter White, played by Bryan Cranston, a depressed high school chemistry teacher who is struggling with a recent diagnosis of lung cancer. Walt turns to crime, partnering with his former student Jesse Pinkman, played by Aaron Paul. They produce and sell crystal meth to secure Walt’s family financial future before he dies, all while navigating the dangers of the criminal underworld.

The show's co-stars include Anna Gunn as Walt’s wife Skyler, and RJ Mitte as Walt’s son, Walter Jr. Dean Norris plays Walt’s brother in law, DEA agent Hank Schrader. Hank spends a great deal of time investigating the methamphetamine trade in Albuquerque, which complicates things for Walt. For example, Hank has Walt place a tracking device on the vehicle of a suspected drug kingpins car. Unbeknownst to Hank is that Walt is cooking meth for the drug kingpin Gustavo Fring (John Carlo Esposito).

Breaking Bad is widely regarded as one of the greatest television shows of all time, and not without reason. The acting of the whole cast, especially Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul, is top-notch. I struggle to find a single performance that is not strong. The actors truly disappear into their roles. The show has been nominated for, and won the most awards of any television show in history! The show focuses on Walt White’s transformation from an unremarkable schoolteacher to the infamous drug lord, Heisenberg. As Walt, Bryan Cranston manages to be simultaneously loathsome and sympathetic. It's like a magic trick. Walt is the average middle-class underachiever who decides to “break bad” and start cooking meth to support his family. Eventually, he comes to enjoy what he does, becoming addicted to the lifestyle, not unlike the addiction caused by the meth he cooks. We see Walt's transition from sympathetic to an unsympathetic egotistical megalomaniac. We see evidence of the change when Walt's reason for cooking meth shifts from doing it for his family to doing it for himself and for his pride. After the transition is complete Jesse asks Walt in Season 5, “Are you in the meth business or the money business?” Walt replies, “Neither, I’m in the empire business!”

We see this shift start in a scene in which Hank, who is investigating Heisenberg (Walt), shares with him that he has discovered Heisenberg’s true identity. Hank incorrectly suspects another man, who in reality had assisted Walt in the meth lab. Hank has been a continuous threat to Walt’s business, so Walt should now be in the clear. Except his pride gets in the way. Walt, the chemistry expert, reviews Hank's evidence and says he believes the man identified could not Heisenberg. So Hank continues his hunt for the elusive Heisenberg. Walt was so prideful that he could not allow somebody else to receive credit for his work, even though Hank's investigation threatens Walt and his family.

Another reason why Breaking Bad is such a good TV show is because the writing is smart and moving. Skyler, Walt’s wife, comes across as a normal person who has completely normal reactions to the situations she must deal with, and so she should be likable. However, she is one of the most unlikable characters, in order to help us better understand Walt. For example, many times in the first season, Walt is away from home a lot and then lies to Skyler about what he is doing. When she reacts angrily, we viewers feel frustrated by her doubting and judgment of Walt. We are more sympathetic towards Walt, even though she is completely justified to be angry with him.

Lastly, there are so many amazing moments in this show that stick with you. The cinematography is immaculate, and every color and angle has something to say and convey. Each detail is meticulously set into place, and even details as small as the decoration on a cowboy boot have devastating consequences. Interactions between minor characters have big payoffs anywhere from a couple of episodes to whole seasons down the line. While the plot lines can be predictable, the characters are what make the show exhilarating. Breaking Bad has amazing parts, and still manages to be more than the sum of those parts. I give Breaking Bad a 10/10.

Can I sit with you?

Creative Writing Piece

It was December 2nd and Angie Lila was getting ready for her first day of school. She was dreading going to school and tears streamed down her face at the thought of entering the classroom. “Angie are you almost ready?” her mother yelled from the living room.

“Almost,” Angie replied stifling a sob. Slowly she pulled out a yellow dress and a pink shawl. Quickly she got dressed and tied a ribbon around her bald head. When Angie was 2 years old she had developed a rare disease which caused dark spots on her body and made her hair fall out. Angie knew that if she went to school she would be bullied and teased. She had never had any friends because of her condition.

“Angie let’s go your going to be late and it’s the first day of school. Remember, first impressions,” her mother said lecturing her. 

“But mom I don’t want to go,” Angie complained her face turning red.

“Oh baby, everything’s going to be fine, it’s a new school year,” her mother reassured. Angie dabbed her eyes with a handkerchief and stood up. She grabbed her bag and walked out the door hand in hand with her mother. The front lawn was shrubby and the sun was so bright Angie had to shield her eyes. They walked to the bus stop and sat down on the bench for a brief moment. A bus drove to the curb and made a quick stop letting the tires brush against the hard cement. Gripping her mom’s hand, Angie pulled herself up onto the bus and clambered to the row of seats. The ride to school was an unpleasant 30 minutes. The bus driver kept curving to the wrong side and every 5 minutes rode over a bump forcing Angie forward.

By the time they had arrived at school Angie was sick to her stomach and was already wishing she were back on the bus instead of at school. “Remember it’s a new year so there are many chances to make friends. And your very smart, so if you find it hard to make friends at least you’ll do great in school,” her mother encouraged noticing the grumpy look on Angie’s face. Angie forced a smile knowing that her mother was only trying to cheer her up. Maybe things wouldn’t be so bad…

She kissed her mom goodbye and walked into the school and up the stairs to the 5th floor. After 5 enduring minutes the door swung open to reveal Angie’s teacher, Mrs. Pallof. Mrs. Pallof was a pretty woman in her 30s. She was wearing a blue coat dress, pearl earrings, and her hair was curled. “Hello class please put your things in the lockers and come to the rug,” Mrs. Pallof explained.  Quickly she handed Angie a slip of paper and a lock, then ushered her towards the lockers.

Angie strolled over to locker 74 in bank 3 and opened the door. Then she took out her supplies and shoved her bag and coat inside of the ajar locker. “Look who it is, Angie Lila the mud spot. I bet you can’t even open your lock,” came a slimy voice. Angie turned around and stared into the soulless eyes of the girl she hated most, Yavalia Harrington. Yavalia had bullied Angie ever since Kindergarten because of her disease. She believed that since Angie didn’t have any hair she had no brain.

Angie felt her eyes well up with tears but quickly blinked them back. She glanced at the slip in her hand and read the digits 7-24-14. Fingering the lock knob Angie spun it so that it stopped at the 7, then spun it to the left at the 24 and finally spun it to 14. She pulled at the lock and it opened smoothly making a gentle sound. Knowing Yavalia wasn’t exactly the smartest person, Angie said, “I can definitely open my lock but the question is can you open yours?”. Angie twirled around carrying her books, and walked off leaving Yavalia behind.

Once everyone had come back to the rug Mrs. Pallof introduced herself and explained the schedule. “Okay class, for the first 2 periods we have are math and writing. I will hand out an assessment that you will have both periods to complete. Don’t worry about it this is just for me to see what you know. Now go your time starts now,” Mrs. Pallof instructed. Angie rushed to a table and urgently began her test. 

School had always been easy for her so 15 minutes later she had finished the math and started the ELA. Angie had great reading comprehension so she sped through the passages and when she read the questions, the answers came to her easily. She flipped over the page and read the essay prompt “Write about what you think it feels like being bullied“.  She wrote about all the times Yavalia had bullied her and how each day she would run to her room and cry into her pillow. She wrote about how she used to cover her face in a brown paper bag and the smug face of Yavalia filled with pride. Before she knew it the periods were over and she was handing in her work to the teacher.

 For  third period, the class read for the whole 30 minutes and talked about what was interesting in our book. When that was over 6th and 7th grade had lunch.  Angie walked over to a table filled with girls and confidently sat down smiling at them. The girls looked at her weirdly and one whispered “Ewww she looks weird, we should move.“  The girls got up and walked to another table laughing as they saw the hurt expression on Angie’s face. Angie spooned down her mashed potatoes gooey and salty from the butter mixed into it. The bell rang and Angie rushed up the stairs to class aware of the people looking at her.

As soon as Mrs. Pallof had gotten everyone seated, she started handing out the assessments from earlier so that they could see what they had gotten wrong. Angie smiled as she saw the familiar 100 on her paper and laughed out loud when she heard that Yavalia had gotten a pathetic 0. “Now class head up to the gym for your double period of PE,” interrupted Mrs. Pallof. As soon as PE was mentioned, Angie’s smile faded into a grimace. The gym teacher hated Angie because to him she wasn’t normal and used anything to make her do extra. Confidently Angie pushed away her thoughts and headed up to the gym. When she arrived she was surprised to see a strange man standing in the center of the gym. He was dressed in a short sleeved shirt, gray sweatpants, and a whistle was hanging from his neck. 

“Hello class, I’m Mr. Hendricks your gym teacher for this year. Mr. Burks has quit. Now 5 laps around the  gym all of you,” Mr. Henderson said. 

Yavalia walked over to Angie and bluntly hissed “Just because Henderson is new means that I  can turn him against you, okay mud spot?”

Angie nodded and after running her 5 laps she went to Henderson to tell him about what Yavalia had said. Unfortunately Yavalia had beat her to it and told Henderson “Sh… she pushed me and I slammed into the door.” Mr. Henderson nodded and signaled Angie towards them. 

Angie walked over, a huge lump forming in her throat. “Liar she’s a liar Mr. Henderson.” Angie reasoned. 

Mr. Henderson turned to face Yavalia and cursed “Yavalia you are  full of it. Next time know in advance that I watch your every move and try to tell the truth. Angie if she ever tries to bully you again you tell me and Yavalia, two demerits.”  For the rest of the periods they did push ups, half sit ups, and other exercises. When the lifelong PE periods had ended, Angie thanked Mr. Henderson for defending her and headed down to science her last period. For her science was fun because they always got to do labs.

Angie hurried into the classroom and sat down in her desk which was right behind Philip Johnson’s. Angie had had a massive crush on Philip since kindergarten. “Okay class today we will be mixing sodium peroxide with other chemicals and we will record our observations,” Mrs. Jerrol instructed, bringing Angie back to reality. Lucky for her, Angie was teamed up with Philip who was not only a nice boy but a smart and intelligent one.  id, handing her some of the supplies. She nodded her head in gratitude and slipped on her lab goggles. First she poured in the peroxide, then the fluorine, and finally the other 3 chemicals. The liquid substances fizzed a bit and then exploded shooting chunks of orange fuzz into the air. This was one of her favorite experiments which was making elephant toothpaste. Philip and Angie looked into each others eyes for an intense moment, and then burst into laughter pulling each other into a tight hug. After science they walked down together and not to their surprise bumped heads with Yavalia.

“Hey Philip, did you know Angie has a huge crush on you?” Yavalia teased. Philip turned to face Angie his face full of confusion.

“Is this true Angie?” Philip asked slowly recovering from the shock. Angie nodded her head slightly to confirm his question. “Angie you know I can’t love you like that, we’re just friends. It’s not because of how you look because you look great, but I just can’t feel that way for my best friend. 

Angie ran to the bathroom and collapsed into the stall crying unstoppably. “See mudspot, you have no friends and your own best friend doesn’t even like you. You’ll never have friends, your just a pathetic spot of mud,” Yavalia taunted. Angie pushed open the door as hard as she could so that the door slammed right into Yavalia forcing her to the ground. Quickly she ran out of the restroom, got her belongings from her locker, and ran out of the school before Yavalia could tattle on her. She jumped on the bus and sat down her heart pounding. “That’ll show you little miss perfect” Angie thought, pretending to say that to Yavalia. When she got home she ran to her room and started her homework right away ignoring her mom’s questions about her day. Once she had finished her homework, she told her mother she wasn’t hungry and went to sleep. 

The next morning when she went to school, Yavalia and her friends were waiting for her. They cornered her and teased her pulling at her clothes.

To be continued …